


all we do is think about the feelings that we hide

by nikkiRA



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: F/M, why are they so fucking tragic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-31
Updated: 2015-08-31
Packaged: 2018-04-18 05:38:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4694078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nikkiRA/pseuds/nikkiRA
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Boys like Gansey were supposed to be in another world, separate from people like Blue. How dare he drag her into this universe, with magic and kings, a handful of almost kisses and this horrible secret hanging over her head. She doesn’t belong here."</p>
<p>or, the one where Gansey finds out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	all we do is think about the feelings that we hide

**Author's Note:**

> title is from drive by halsey which is literally their fucking theme song i s2g "would it really kill you if we kissed" come ON

When she calls, it takes him four rings to answer. Each ring that goes unanswered fills her with dread, and when he finally answers she sighs in relief.

“Jane.” Anyone who didn’t know him would think everything was fine, but Blue has memorized each way he says her name (whether it be her real name or not) and she can hear the struggle to keep calm. To stay put together.

“Come get me,” she says. He doesn’t answer at first and for a second Blue is terrified he is going to say no but eventually he says _okay_ quietly into the phone and hangs up.

He found out today.

It was her fault. Her and Adam’s. They weren’t careful enough. He was bound to overhear eventually.

_We didn’t want you to know,_ she had said, as if that made things okay.

_Don’t you think I had a right to know?_ He had asked, before heading back down to his car. Adam had sworn so creatively even Ronan would have been impressed. Blue had just watched the Camaro from a window, watching it get smaller and smaller in the distance until eventually she couldn’t see it anymore. Adam had driven her home, where she had stared at the wall for a few hours before it was late enough to call him.

When he arrives she climbs into the car quietly, wrapping her sweater tightly around herself for comfort.  Gansey turns and gives her a smile that would fool all but his closest friends, a group she has somehow found herself included in. How reckless of her. The only indication that things aren’t quite right is the speed at which he’s driving. He’s never driven this fast. Blue wonders if Ronan had dreamed it exactly right, including the constant breakdowns. She hopes not. She really doesn’t think the Camaro would be able to take this for too long.

Eventually he slows down, and with complete and utter horror she realizes he had taken them to the corpse road.

“Gansey…” But he is already getting out, and she has no choice but to follow him. He stops uncomfortably close to the spot where she had first seen his spirit.

“Does Ronan know?”

The idea of telling Ronan would be almost comical if they couldn’t all picture the spiral this would send him into. Blue shakes her head. Telling Ronan would be disastrous.

Leave it to Gansey, always thinking about his friends. Watching him there, in the dim light of the moon, she almost hates him. Boys like Gansey were supposed to be in another world, separate from people like Blue. How dare he drag her into this universe, with magic and kings, a handful of almost kisses and this horrible secret hanging over her head. She doesn’t belong here.

She thinks about that stupid quote – _it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all._ Tennyson, she vaguely recalls. Gansey would be surprised, in that naively offensive way of his, that she had learned about Tennyson in public school.

He turns to her, and she thinks that Tennyson must have never really loved anybody.

“You weren’t supposed to be home, Gansey,” she says apologetically. “Adam and I would never have been discussing it at Monmouth if we had thought you were going to be there. That’s not how we wanted you to find out.”

“Why does Adam know?”

“Jesse Dittley,” she says miserably. “When we first mentioned the – the list, he sensed something was off. He figured out you were on it.”

“On my tape. I heard your voice. You said my name.”

She nods. “That was… from here.” She gestures around her.

“So you’ve known since we’ve met?”

“Yeah,” she whispers. Gansey’s face softens.

“Oh, Jane. I’m sorry.”

Standing there, watching him, she loves him and she hates him, and those words make her angry.

“Don’t _oh Jane_ me. Drop your Richard Gansey III face and drop your stupid political smile and do something, be sad or angry or yell, I don’t care, but God, Gansey, do _something_ , and stop looking at me like that!”

He stays silent for so long that she starts feeling foolish for her outburst. Then he says, “What I can’t understand is why I was brought back. I was supposed to die seven years ago and I didn’t, and I always thought that that meant I had things to do. I would prove I deserved it. But I’m still going to die and I’ve done nothing. Glendower should have saved Noah instead.”

“That’s not true.”

“I’ve spent seven years searching this world and I find out I’m going to die before I find anything.” There, finally, is a hint of bitterness in his voice.

“We’re not going to stop looking,” she says fiercely. “We’re going to find Glendower and ask for _you,_ Gansey.”

He stares at her. Then he says, “When I’m dying, will you kiss me?”

This makes her so unspeakably angry that red tinges her vision. “Shut up. Don’t – don’t you dare.”

“It was just a question.”

“You – don’t. Just don’t. We are not talking about this.” She throws up her hands and walks over to the wall she had sat next to Neeve on, a lifetime ago. Gansey sits next to her, sides touching, and he links their feet together.

“I’m sorry.”

God, he was infuriating. How the hell did she ever end up here.

“You still haven’t heard the whole story,” she says, because what’s the point of more secrets? “I can’t see spirits, Gansey. You were the first one I’ve ever seen.”

“Does that mean something?”

She snorts. Does it ever.

“It means that the spirit I see is either my true love, or they are going to die at my hands. And with me, it could be both.”

He nods. “Huh.”

Finally looking at him, she bristles. “Huh? Is that all you can say to this?”

“I don’t know what else I can say, Blue.”

She flinches. “Don’t call me that.”

“It’s your name.”

“No, it’s not. I mean, it is, but not to you. Blue means something’s wrong and I just – I want to pretend that everything is okay. I just want to go home and pretend this isn’t happening.”

Selfish. She is being terribly selfish. This is not her tragedy.

But Gansey smiles at her, and she wonders how it is that the best of them is the one being taken away.

“Okay, Jane.”

This is all their relationship is. Pretending. Pretending they could be together, pretending they could kiss. Pretending there wasn’t a death sentence hanging over his head.

If she squints, she can even pretend there’s no sadness in his smile.

“Do you want me to take you home?”

“No,” she is saying before she even realizes she had made a decision. “I want to go back to Monmouth.”

Which, she thinks, is almost like home anyway.

She places her hand over his on the gearshift and keeps it there the whole time. They hold hands up until they take a seat in the middle of Main Street.

“You should call home.”

She shrugs and straightens a building. “They know I’m with you, so I don’t think they’ll worry. We don’t do drugs, and I can’t kiss anyone without possibly killing them. It’s not exactly like we’re reckless.”

He smiles softly at her, fingers drawing circles on her knee.

They stay up late, refusing to make eye contact with the Grim Reaper, sitting unwelcome beside them. Eventually Blue yawns and crawls into Gansey’s bed, ignoring his startled glance.

“We’re pretending, Gansey. Remember?”

His smiles come easy around her. She tries to memorize them. Files them away for a time when he has no more to give.

When he settles in behind her she is not surprised. He wraps an arm around her stomach and it is easy to forget that he is a foot taller than her. All she’s aware of is his arm around her and his nose in her hair, an overwhelming smell of mint and the knowledge that he is going to die.

* * *

She wakes up when Chainsaw lands on her head.

“Ow! Ronan! Your _bird!”_

Ronan comes out of his room, and the only response he has to Gansey spooning her is a barely perceptible cocked eyebrow.

“She has a name.”

The spell from last night is broken. It is harder to pretend in the light of the day with a bird on her face. Gansey moves away from her swiftly. Everything looks different in the day.

“She won’t get off of me.”

“She’s not used to you spending the night.” His eyes flick over to Gansey before coming back to Blue. “She’s making sure I know you’re here.”

“She’s a bird, not a Rottweiler.”

“She’s better than a Rottweiler. Chainsaw,” he calls, and she flies off of Blue’s face.

She looks at Gansey, who looks slightly embarrassed.

She is going to save him. She’ll find Glendower and she’ll beat back death itself. She’ll fight fate.

She has no other option.


End file.
